Journalling

Last Christmas I was given a gift by a woman I don’t know terribly well, though I wish that wasn’t the case. Despite that fact she seemed to know just what would easy my troubles at a time I was very low. For no other reason that pure unselfish kindness, she and her familysent my family a gift filled with many comforts. We appreciated them more than I could have expressed. When we opened the items I actually wept. It was if this woman had been living in my brain. For me the stand out item was a beautiful pink embossed journal and a pen with gorgeous smooth pink ink. I still had cancer and was experiencing a great deal of physical pain. While I’ve been blogging for many years I had never really taken pen to paper in that way before. I was certain that I would never journal since I blog, but I quickly came to realize that while suffering insomnia, that journal became my new best friend. Instead of going to bed with a brain full of worries, I was taking some time to disconnect from everything electronic and just write out what was troubling me. The deep stuff. Things most likely to not make it to my blog. I also began using it as a way to record my daily successes and goals for the next day even if they were as small as pushing myself to leave my house.

This gift has become my lifeline. As I draw near the end of the blank pages, their predecessors having been filled by my nightly unloads, I know I can’t let this end. I’m begining to feel a  sense of loss knowing that this one is coming to an end. So I will be out looking for a journal for when this one is finally finished. This one gift has given me something no other gift has. Release. Release from stress, and release from a life of insomnia. I can’t claim that I don’t experience those things on occassion still, but the first week after I began journalling, I could see an immediate shift.

To you, the giver of this gift, I hope you realize your kindness changed me. I thank you for that.

Has technology made journalling a dying art?

Have you even given or received a gift that made a difference?


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I’m a Survivor!

Wow, Yesterday I had my follow up appointment to find out the status of my cancer. As I wrote in my last post I was scared to death of metastasis. I felt quite certain it had spread. I don’t even know that I have grasped what the Dr. told me yet. After meeting my mom, who was kind enough to come with me in case I got bad news, the Doctor go down to business explaining my cancer marker levels at each interval from the past two and a half years. Basically while my level is still not a zero it was low enough that I am safely considered:

CANCER-FREE!!!

Yes! That’s right I am finally over this shit! I don’t know how to react. I think I’m still kind of numb. I had to ask the doctor 20 times “are you sure?” She was please to tell me she was sure and she commended me on sticking it out, acknowledging that it was a longer battle than the majority of thyroid cancer patients endure. She also encouraged me to go see my family doctor so that we can discuss the pain and other issues that were causing me such concern. She said that it’s great that it’s not caused by the cancer but that it still needs to be checked out. I will certainly follow up with him, but really who cares about all that? All I know is I have a new lease on life and 2012 is my year!!!

I am a survivor!

I can feel it

After dealing with having cancer for nearly 2 years, and losing my zest for life I am finally starting to see that I’m on my way back! I have interest again! Not necessarily in anything specific just in being alive in general. During my illness I had a complete loss of interest in everything. I know how this sounds, but yes, I even lost interest in my social life, my children and even just being alive. I guess I just kind of gave up everything to focus on having cancer. Not beating it, just having it. My life got very dark and meaningless. I pulled myself out of bed each morning out of obligation. I had kids, I had things I HAD to do, but when the day was done and my family was asleep, I let go and cry, ALL the time. I felt sorry for myself, felt sad for my kids and how confusing it all is for them, took pitty on my friends who were already very busy and were now making meals, taking me to appointments, babysitting for me and spending their time worrying about me. I wrote letters to loved ones telling them things I wanted them to know in the event I would die. I thought about all the things I hadn’t yet done that I wish I could have, and turned it into a list of things I should have done.

So for me to look at the past couple of months I can recognize the signs. I AM WINNING! Not in the crazy-ass Charlie Sheen kind of way, but in the way that tells me and people around me I am on my way back. I am no longer just a cancer patient, I am still working on kicking cancer, but My Dr’s have told me I am almost a sure thing now! Tests are showing only trace amounts and it’s looking really good that I will be better soon! I had treatment scheduled for March, due to a medication shortage of one of the drugs I require, I’ve been pushed back to July but after that I am hoping to hear the words I’ve been fighting for! Cancer Free!

Remember that list I mentioned? Well, it’s now been retitled. It’s now called “Things worth living for” and include so many amazing things! Some as silly as make mud pies and jump in puddles with Roo & give dating advice to Aussie, but it also has big ones, like start a business, change up my style to find a new “look”, speak in public, and beat cancer!

How do I know I am bouncing back? I see it in my interest in looking forward. In recognizing I have a future to plan for now! I am getting up and caring how I look, I am on the floor playing like a fool with my toddler- “Roo”, I am talking about College options with my teen- Aussie and not just for him, but for ME too! We’re both going!

Speaking of school, I never graduated from high school (read about it HERE) it was a sore spot for me, but I made the decision to go back and get my diploma (this is on my list!). Take something that bothered me and rectify it. This is another sign that the old me is returning (or perhaps a new version of the old me is currently evolving). I have spent the past couple of years relinquishing all responsibility for making decision to “Hubs”. I think I shocked my family by working this one out and making the decision completely on my own.

The final tip that I know I am bouncing back, is that I am actively seeking like minded people to surround myself with. How can I not become great if I am surrounded by it constantly! Surely it’s bound to rub off right? They say that positivity is infectious, so I wanna catch it! I think I already have! Can you tell?

I might have cancer, but I’ve NEVER been more alive!

Gone is my song…

Ever have a song that seems to push you through tough times? I do… well did. It seems I no longer have the need for the song anymore. Just listened to it and had no more positive response to it. Guess it’s just a reminder of the bad now. Or better yet, a realization that I am getting better. Just gotta let it go…..

I AM GETTING BETTER!!! (that felt good…)

Raising Funds and Awareness

Because of my currently ongoing battle with cancer, one of my passions now is helping out where I can to raise funds and awareness for cancer and cancer research. Without our help a cure will never be found.

One of the ways I got involved this year was by teaming up with an organization called Road 2 Recovery. Road2Recovery is an annual event that supports cancer and cancer research. I attended their big fundraising gala and was photographed for their yearly calendar. The calendars are $20 each! What a steal eh?! They can bepurchased from me directly or here:

http://www.road2recovery.net/calendar.html

Wanna see? I am in pink pictured with one of my dear friends. I have since cut my hair and coloured it so I look quite a bit different but rest assured that is me and I would LOVE to be your miss January! lmao